Every summer, a zillion movies come out, that everyone calls Summer Blockbusters. And every summer movies come out, that people call summer blockbusters, that I end up hating.
So, here’s a comprehensive list of movies coming out this summer, and Reason about them.:
Spider-man 3 Reason: This should be fairly obvious. The last two Spider-man movies made a combined 400 zillion dollars (please note that this is a ficticious dollar amount I made up, to show the severity of the franchise’s success. This number is in no way indicitive of how much money the movies actually made.).
1408 Reason: John Cusack. Need I say more? Okay, I will. Samuel L. Jackson. If you don’t like either John or Sam, you don’t deserve that AMC Movie Watcher card, please surrender it.
The Ex Reason: My close personal friend Zach Braff. (No, I don’t know him, don’t e-mail me asking for his cell number) Braff’s got a knack for picking roles that are witty, funny and real, all at the same time. I’m looking forward to seeing what little bit of himself he injects into this role. And, Jason Bateman co-stars. You can’t go wrong with that.
28 Weeks Later Reason: 28 Weeks Later picks up where 28 Days Later left off, supposedly. Minus the ever-talented Cillian Murphy. Any movie where there’s zombies trying to eat non-zombies, count me in.
Bug Reason: Ashley Judd and Harry Connick Jr. getting attacked by twisted little creepy bugs? What’s not to like about that?
Ocean’s Thirteen Reason: Come on? Really? How can there not be someone in the cast that you like? More or less every single person on the cast has a huge following, including you. Tell me you don’t like Clooney? Okay, fine, but you love Pitt. No? Damon? Cheadle? Reiner? Gould? Garcia? Pacino? Barkin? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Hello?
Shrek The Third Reason: Here’s another movie whose first two made 400 zillion dollars (again, not a real dollar amount here, either). The first Shrek movie was probably one of the best animated movies (to not come out of Pixar studios) ever. The second movie? Eh, just okay. But Shrek the Third is going to be awesome, I can tell.
Live Free of Die Hard Reason: John McClane, that’s why. All those movies over the years that Bruce Willis has made, where you thought to yourself “Man, he should make another Die Hard movie.”, well, here ya go. And, the Mac kid (Justin Long) is fairly funny in some of his movies. (Waiting…, Accepted)
Ratatouille Reason: Animation. Animated movies are just fun. Even when there’s people in them you could give a crap about (Brad Garrett, namely). This movie just looks fun.
Evan Almighty Reason: Evan Almighty will be funny, because Jim Carrey won’t let it not be. Steve Carell is hysterical in most anything he’s in. Morgan Freeman is a legend. And Lauren Graham is on my “over 40, but still got it” list. What more could you want?
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Reason: I can think of 4 fantastic reasons. (Yep, that’s corny, I know) The first movie was a lot of fun. The cast worked well together, the script was decent, and Julian McMahon plays a great, great bad guy.
Martian Child Reason: John Cusack. Again. Honestly, aren’t you keeping up? This time John turns to his inner actor, and will put forth a performance that will make you think back to the first time you watched Say Anything…, and thought “Man, Lloyd Dobbler is the greatest guy ever.”
The Simpsons Reason: You should see this movie, because you want to. Everyone agrees that the Simpsons hasn’t been funny in like… 10 years. So, let’s see what they’ve got for us, when they don’t have Fox’s censors holding them back.
License to Wed Reason: John Krasinski breaks out of his Office role, into his first romcom starring role. And who better to start it off with, than the adorable Mandy Moore. Throw in Robin Williams, and you’re assured to laugh quite a bit.
Transformers Reason: Everyone’s got an inner geek inside. Embrace yours, relive your childhood.
The Bourne Ultimatum Reason: Matt Damon kicking people’s asses. That’s why. If you don’t see the movie, he’ll show up at your house, and kick yours. He told me so.
Halloween Reason: Rob Zombie scares you, as a person, in general. Imagine how horrifying of a movie he’s going to have made? I’m already having nightmares.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Reason: Johnny Depp talking like a drunken gay Englishman, that’s why. And he does it for just shy of 3 hours, to boot. I’m sure there’ll be some explosions, gun fights, sword fights, fist fights, pirating, sailing, and arrrr-ing, as well. Oh, and Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are in the movie too. Whether you like boys, girls, or both, there’s something for everyone.
With all that said, there’s some summer blockbusters, that I have no intention on seeing:
Georgia Rule Why? – Lindsay Lohan. I feel I shouldn’t pay to see any movie with her in it. As far as I’m concerned, she’s ruining the world. All of it. Even countries you’ve never heard of.
Rush Hour 3 Why? – There’s nothing Jackie Chan can do, that we haven’t seen him do before. And Chris Tucker’s voice makes me want to jump out of a 33rd story window.
The Wendell Baker Story Why? – There’s about 92 Wilson brothers working on this movie. And there’s not one of them that I can tolerate.
Sicko Why? – Hasn’t Michael Moore already taken up his 15 minutes? Hasn’t it been like.. a decade already? Who keeps funding this crap? If I wanted to watch a documentary, I’d watch the Discovery Channel.
Hostel: Part II Why? – While I’d love to see this, and be scared, and grossed out.. All the first movie did, was bore me. I was uninterested in finishing the first movie, when I watched it, why would I want to pay to see a sequel, which will most likely be the exact same stuff for 2 hours?
Mr. Brooks Why? – Though Kevin Costner plays a “crazed madman” in the movie, he’ll always be Robin Hood, to me.
I Know Who Killed Me Why? – Lindsay Lohan, again. Who keeps green-lighting her to star in movies? Didn’t anyone notice she has no talent?
Hairspray Why? – John Travolta playing a woman. Though I’m sure Chris Walken will be as creepy as ever, I have no desire to see anyone dressed in a female fat suit. Leave that stuff to Eddie Murphy, he seems to enjoy fat suits.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry Why? – Adam Sandler’s been laughing at us for the last however many years. He’s made essentially the same character into a hundred different movies, and become a zillionaire off of it. It’s time we put it to an end. While I love Kevin James, and would like to support him, I just can’t give another dime to Sandler.
Goya’s Ghosts Why? – While I absolutely love Natalie Portman, the whole 18th century era creeps me out. I’m sure the movie will be “moving”, and “endearing”, I just don’t give a crap about that stuff anymore.
El Cantante Why? – Jennifer Lopez. Marc Anthony. Acting. Together. Case closed.
The Brothers Solomon Why? – In order to leave SNL and be successful, you need to be successful on SNL. Neither Will Arnett, Will Forte, or Kristen Wiig have been (or were) on SNL long enough to be successful on the show.
Good Luck Chuck Why? – As much as I used to enjoy Dane Cook’s stand-up, I feel like we’ve already seen everything worth seeing in this movie. (Namely Jessica Alba in her underwear). I have the odd feeling that this movie will just be another Employee of the Month, with no funny jokes, and boring storyline where Cook gets himself a chick way too hot to get in real life.