Review written on: July 27th, 2007

Captivity Review

It’s no secret that I hate movies with the following criteria: a) a happy ending, b) a “mysterious killer” and c) dumb cops. Captivity has all three of the above, and thus makes me hate it.

After seeing the negative reviews this movie got recently, I had hoped I would like it, to prove my theory of how “real” critics suck. However, there’s a reason everyone didn’t like this movie… it’s terrible.

It starts off okay, and you almost want the bad guy to kill Jennifer (Elisha Cuthbert). You don’t know why they kidnapped her, but you’re almost glad they did. You think “This could be entertaining to watch for the next hour and a half”, and it is… for about 45 minutes.

The plot’s extremely predictable, the characters are underdeveloped, boring and uncreative. We get to the end, and we don’t even give a damn about what happens to our beloved female star. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a red blooded man, you’ll have no problem staring at Elisha Cuthbert on the big-screen for an hour and a half. As long as you bring your iPod, and don’t pay too much attention to the movie itself, you should be all set.

The cast can’t act, the story isn’t a good one, the “twist” isn’t surprising, and the movie’s not worth seeing. Save your money. If you’re expecting to be grossed out, go see Hostel II. If you’re expecting a twist ending, go see something else. Captivity is nothing more than a studio’s attempt at cashing in on this new “horror shock” genre, that everyone’s trying to steal from Eli Roth. There’s not a whole lot of “torture” in this movie, as some people seem to be afraid of. There’s not a lot of moments where you think “Eww, that’s gross!” or “Oh my god, how can they show that!” It’s just an hour and a half of “oh dear god, is it over yet? Please make it end.”

Captivity is lame, unexciting, and a complete waste of time. The only “horror” movie I’ve seen in the last few years that was equally as lame, was House of Wax, ironically also starring Ms. Cuthbert. Based on the trend of crappy movies she’s been starring in, should we really let her be in the 24 movie?


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