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In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Review written on: January 14th, 2008

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Review

I kept referring to the subtitle of this farce of a film as ?A Drunken Siege Tale? for weeks leading up to my viewing. After what I saw, frankly, someone had to be on something to let this be produced. Who would have thought that Jason Statham would make a really crappy movie? Believe it or not, it happened.

In the Middle Ages, Statham is known as Farmer. That?s his trade, so that?s the name he goes by. While we get a nice look at him tilling the soil and pulling up crops with his cute little blond son and dear friend Norick (Ron Perlman), there is strife in the kingdom! Lovely wife Solana (Claire Forlani) takes their little poppet over to her parents? house in another village while Farmer takes out some baddies with some well placed martial arts kicks.

The head baddie is Gallian (Ray Liotta), a powerful sorcerer whose control of beastly fighters called Krugs could win him the kingdom by force. King Konreid (Burt Reynolds) has no intention of giving up what is his, despite having to battle not only against Liotta, but his greedy, immature, power-hungry nephew (Matthew Lillard). The King?s right hand man (John Rhys-Davies) has some of his own magic up his sleeve, as well as a headstrong daughter (Leelee Sobieski). To pull it all together: The King is in dire need of as many able-bodied men as possible to battle against his enemies. Guess who fits in to that category? Farmer isn?t so crazy about the idea, though. All he wants to do is avenge some wrongdoing done to him and get on with his life. Of course, he?s got an even bigger connection to the whole story!

You would think it would be good, wouldn?t you? Wrong! Here?s where it flies into the Hokey Hall of Fame. You?ve got ninjas fighting amongst the King?s army who go and fly up a tree before they attack (Yes, you read that correctly. Ninjas.), female forest nymph aerialist chicks who rope people with vines, obnoxious and bratty nephews who whine because they want their crown, a villain whose face is so stiff that it looks like he had way too much Botox done. Shall I go on? I actually laughed through this film, although this definitely wasn?t shot or written as a comedy. While we see almost the entire martial arts and stunt repertoire of our leading man, for this, it?s quite inappropriate. I cannot get over how bad it was! You know, the two factors that gave this movie back half a star are that a) it takes place in one of my favorite historical periods and b) the ability to just stare at Statham!

Don?t even waste your dough or your time! Kids, save your cash for the The Italian Job and Crank sequels. Go rent Smokey and the Bandit or Goodfellas if you want your Reynolds and Liotta fix. At least you know those will be decent.

 

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