- Avengers; Age of Ultron
The action, the music, the theme song, the fights. What’s not to love about an Indiana Jones movie? How about a lack of originality? A lame storyline? Hardly any noteworthy fights? That’s what you’ll get from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull should you spend any money to see it.
If you want to see a sequel about adventure where a group of people (specifically two men and a woman) try to find a “kingdom”, or “city of gold”, watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets. The majority of Crystal Skull is a direct ripoff of Book of Secrets. Let’s evaluate:
- Book of Secrets has two men, and a woman looking for lost “city of gold” (Nic Cage, Diane Kruger, Justin Bartha)
- Crystal Skull has two men, and a woman looking for a lost “city of gold” (Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen)
- Book of Secrets has ancient traps set up by people hundreds of years ago.
- Crystal Skull has ancient traps set up by people hundreds of years ago. (Okay, so they turn out to be alien tricks, but whatever)
- Book of Secrets has a happy ending where the main man and woman end up together.
- Crystal Skull has a happy ending where the main man and woman end up together.
There’s other ripoffs, but I won’t detail them all, in case you actually wanted to see the flick.
Some other things I hated about the movie:
- If you’re going to make another Indiana Jones movie after all this time, at least use some of today’s technologoy (read: CGI) to do something cool, other than monkeys and space ships.
- If you’re making an Indiana Jones movie, at least use the “Indy” font for the opening credits. It’s a staple of the previous films that you overlooked.
- If you’re going to cast an up-and-coming young actor, don’t tell him “Play it just like you did in Transformers. We saw that, we liked it, it doesn’t work in this film.
- Attention Spielberg and Lucas; you like aliens and outter space. We get it. You don’t need to put the two in everything you do for all time.
- If you’re going to make an Indiana Jones movie, let the friggen guy use the whip more than twice. It’s part of who he is.
- If you’re going to let Harrison Ford play Indiana Jones at 65 years old, at least get a stuntman that’s half his age. Having the twenty year old stuntman just didn’t fool us.
- Let Shia LaBeouf do his own stunts. He’s just a kid and will spring back from any injury. The stuntman with the curly hair didn’t even look like Shia, even from behind.
I wanted to like this movie, I really did. I like the other three films, well, okay, the other two, and that crapfest they called Temple of Doom. I just couldn’t. I was bored by the majority of the film, and angry that so many people were going to waste their money thinking this would be a fantastic film. No wonder no one got to do any press-screenings. They didn’t want word getting out about how bad it was.
Having watched the other three Indy films recently, I can say that this film was close to the bottom of the barrel. I may be shot for saying this, but those other three films aren’t really fantastic themselves (when compared with other series with 3+ films in them; Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Die Hard, etc). But Crystal Skull took the cake for sucking worse than Temple of Doom. And that’s saying a lot.
You can tell by my review, that I didn’t like the movie. You may, though. Don’t rule out seeing it just because I hated it. You may like it, and think I’m a moron. But I dare you to see it, and not agree with my comparison to Book of Secrets.
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