Oh my gawd, there’s giant robots. Holy crap, look at ’em.
That’s what I kept hearing in my head, in Mark Wahlberg’s voice. Throughout the entire film.
I had high hopes. I mean, Michael Bay isn’t the best film maker ever, but he certainly knows how to make things go boom, right?
The problem with Age of Extinction is that the script, story, plot, and character depth all seem to be extinct. There’s just so truly little to this film that it almost feels a complete waste of almost three hours of your life. And that’s a really long time for an action movie. Granted, you should know that going into it if you’ve ever seen a Michael Bay movie before. That’s just what he does and who he is. This one’s no exception.
I will give it to him though, at one point, I definitely saw a scene that didn’t cut after three seconds. If you don’t know what this means, put on any Michael Bay film. Start watching and count to three. 99% of the time by the time you reach three, the camera angle has changed and the scene’s cut. It’s pretty comical to see this happen throughout almost every one of his films. The editors must hate him.
I had a lot of problems with this movie, hence my one and a half star rating. For example, throughout the first few films, all of the Transformers look the same. We know who’s who, even though they introduce a few new characters here and there. In this film, Optimus Prime doesn’t even look like Optimus Prime. He morphs into something new and shinier and souped up. And I hated it.
Don’t even get me started about the dinosaur robots that were prisoners on the alien ship that Optimus Prime rescues and they help take down the bad guys.
It was honestly like a child with ADD wrote this script. As if the writing process went like this:
“Little boy, what do you think this movie should have?”
“Spaceships. And dinosaurs. And Marky Mark. But not Sam Whitwicky.”
“Should we tell the people where he and his girlfriend are?”
“No. Don’t mention it at all.”
That’s the gist of how this must have gone. As if, at some point, someone sat down in a room and just said “let’s put every damn thing under the sun into this.” And so they did.
And it doesn’t work, even a little bit.
I wanted to like it. I love giant robots. I love explosions. I love CGI. But this is a steaming pile.
The only redeeming factor I can say is that you get to truly laugh at some of it. Sure, at the end you’ll be furious and want to demand your money back. Even if you didn’t pay for it, you’ll still want your money back.
The X-Men have always had two identity crises: the first, a recurring theme in all three films is their outsider status as mutants; the second identity crisis belongs to the film series itself. The first X-Men was a good, solid start: modest budget, good director, good cast and a taut script that only lost its energy in the climactic finish. X2 featured more characters involved in a far more intricate plot that necessitated more special effects—yet it was too complicated for its own good, dragging on a bit too long, all the while jumping around at A.D.D. pace trying to keep all of its characters in frame. Now we have X-Men: The Last Stand under the hands of a new director (Rush Hour’s Brett Ratner) and while some of the series’ identity problems have worked themselves out, much like a gawky teenager, new ones have emerged and taken their place.
X-Men: The Last Stand is to the first X-Men what Superman II was to Superman: It’s faster, sharper and more exciting—but also colder, tackier and more violent. In other words, the X-Men have lost some of their innocence, and those growing pains are sometimes poignant, but sometimes disappointing. Ratner is what I would call a talented hack. He lacks anything distinguishing in his style, yet technically he his able to keep the ship on its course. Ditto for screenwriters Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn who have fashioned the film after the ’80s action genre—the film is big and loud, with more sexuality, violence and swearing than the first two combined. I’m not a puritan by any means, but these films have a huge youth audience and I don’t picture parents being overly thrilled with testicle jokes and liberal uses of the word “bitch.”
Superhero movies all have a common enemy that they must fight against using all of their unique powers: camp. Indeed, since these stories are in no way based in reality, the risk of becoming silly is high (the horrific mistake of embracing camp resulted in the hard fall of the Joel Schumacher-helmed Batman movies). Sadly, some of the actors head into that territory because the script keeps trying to throw action-movie quips into the mix. A few of them work—most do not. Jackman, so intense as Wolverine in the first one, has way too many sardonic one-liners. I think the writers are going for Indiana Jones, but he comes off more like Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China (that’s not a compliment). Kelsey Grammer, playing a mutant politician, is essentially a blue, furry Frasier Crane. He looks like something out of the original Planet of the Apes movies and when he tries to be a badass during the climactic fight, the results are William Shatner-ishly cheesy. Sir Ian McKellan, as bad guy Magneto is also getting a little too Snidely Whiplash. Anna Paquin’s Rogue (still with her coming-and-going Southern accent) is brushed aside for most of the movie while more time is given to a new teen X-starlet named Kitty (Hard Candy’s Ellen Page). The scene where the diminutive Page physically overcomes three hundred pound body builder Vinnie Jones (as bad guy Juggernaut) is beyond ridiculous.
Only the plus side, Patrick Stewart is still commanding as Charles Xavier, the father figure trying keep all the mutants in line. The film also boasts a rejuvenated Famke Janssen as Jean Grey. I found Janssen to be a liability in the first two films—far too bland for all the screen time devoted to the love triangle between her, Wolverine and Cyclops (James Marsden). Janssen comes back from the dead with a serious dark side and playing the bad girl brings out a lot more personality in the actress, who hasn’t been this engaging since her breakout role as murderous Russian spy Xenia Onatopp in GoldenEye. The film also wisely puts Marsden in the background. His Dawson’s Creek theatrics made a bad love story even worse and the new plot development fortunately keeps him at bay. Halle Berry (who thankfully is in this instead of Catwoman: The Last Stand) finally gets more to do and she comes off better in her beefed up role.
The missteps are regrettable because this could have easily been the best X-Men movie of them all. It has the best storyline of three, with much of the conflict revolving around a “mutant vaccine,” that instantly removes all of a mutant’s powers. This storyline exemplifies one of the most unique qualities about the film: the way it draws parallels to current issues. The plights of the mutants in all three movies resonate with a number of contemporary issues including abortion, AIDS, homosexuality, racism, the pangs of adolescence, the Iraq war and other political issues. This is what gives the film its brain and its heart, which is more important than any of the wondrous powers on display.